When I was a kid, my dad told me and my siblings that we would try something new for Christmas. We had heard stories from friends about how they would always open one gift on Christmas Eve. My dad told us that this year, he thought it would be a nice change.
We were all excited and thought this was the best idea ever. No one likes to wait for presents!
Christmas Eve arrived and we were all brimming with anticipation. Finally, just before bedtime, Dad called us all in and told us to sit down and close our eyes. The tension was killing us. Mom placed something in our laps and Dad told us to open our eyes.
On each of our laps was a single pillow. Words cannot express the level of disappointment and confusion that came over us. We had expected to unwrap a toy, or something cool! A simple pillow, albeit a brand-new pillow, was not at all what we had hoped for. I am sorry to say that a few of us reacted rather bad-temperedly and were sent to bed in a grouchy mood.
Have you ever been given a present that you were not expecting or did not want? To avoid seeing disappointment on the faces of your friends and loved ones, here are a few suggestions of things not to buy this year.
This year’s calendar
Nothing signifies a lazy Christmas shopper more than an irrelevant gift. Make sure you buy something useful that won’t expire in a few days.
Have you ever seen those packages of themed compilation CD sets? The likelihood is, the receiver will not like more than three or four out of the 48-plus songs on the playlist. This is probably not the best option, especially for a main gift. Oh, and by the way, in case nobody has told you, CDs are not even relevant anymore. If you really don’t know what music someone likes, buy a gift card for online music.
Toothbrush and breath mints
Christmas morning is probably not the best time to tell someone that their breath stinks. Buying a loved one or friend a toothbrush and mints is not a very tactful approach!
If you are going to drop some money on a gift for someone, you might as well take the time to find out what they like. When it comes to clothing, individual tastes vary greatly, and buying clothes for someone is often a waste of your money — and a waste of wrapping paper.
Now, socks can be very useful, especially if your home is infested by sock gnomes, like mine is. However, they still do not qualify as a thoughtful gift — unless you happen to be a gnome.
Potpourri is another tactless gift. A collection of scented flowers designed to mask the odor in a bathroom is probably not going to be appreciated! It could even end up getting flushed down the toilet. Plus, the chemical-laden perfumes used in potpourri aren’t the healthiest things in the world.
If the above-listed gifts aren’t bad enough, here are a few really bizarre ideas:
Fetus-shaped Christmas cookie cutters
“Okay, Mom! We get it, already! You want grandkids, we know. Please stop bringing these fetus-shaped cookies out for the neighborhood Christmas party!”
These are also a rather tasteless — although quite tasty — way to announce a pregnancy.
Please… just don’t!
Golf club-shaped pee receptacle
No, I am not kidding. This item was probably intended for the guys who like to have a few beers out on the front nine, and then get too far into the back nine to make it to the clubhouse for a whiz. The golf club has a cork-able hollow handle, and it even comes complete with a caddy towel to hang on your belt to provide extra privacy. You can stand right there on the green and have a little tinkle into the handle without anyone noticing… maybe.
Obviously the inventor didn’t think of the possibility that it could get your dad arrested for indecent exposure.
The glow-in-the-dark toilet seat
After much thought, I have decided that this is actually a fantastic gift idea and that everyone should have a glow-in-the-dark toilet seat.
The glow-potty is a beacon! It is a light that cuts through the darkness. It leads you to the blessed solace and glorious relief that you need at your most desperate hour — which is usually about 3:45 a.m.
Think of all the mess that could be avoided by just adding a little illumination to the porcelain throne. Now you don’t have to blind yourself with the bathroom light, and you won’t trip and fall into the tub, or miss the bowl and pee on your wife’s basket of knitting magazines.
Yes, my friends, a glow-in-the-dark toilet seat is quite possibly just what you need to get for your loved one this year.
I hope this has given you some insight on what to get, and not to get, for your friends and family this year!
Merry Christmas, and good luck shopping!
Kyle is an outdoor enthusiast with a passion for nature and sustainability. When he is not writing, you will find him in his workshop crafting with local wood, hiking in the Arizona mountains, fly fishing, horseback riding or putting together a healthy meal in the kitchen.