In a world ruled by stress, deadlines, back-breaking schedules and technology, intimate relationships can be difficult to keep alive. Over time, couples may find themselves drifting apart, lacking the chemistry that once brought them together. The taboos and mundanities that Western society imposes upon us do nothing to help the situation.
Tantra provides the perfect antidote. Tantric sexuality provides the mechanism by which we can re-discover that passion that was present before that ominous “routine” set in. It can also take that passion and double, triple or quadruple it, helping us to discover new depths of enjoyment and connection which we could never before have hoped to achieve. Tantra goes well beyond sex and may just be the answer your relationship has been looking for.
The problem is, you can’t just read a book on tantric sex and become an overnight expert. It takes time to learn the fundamentals of this ancient practice, which draws on many of the core elements of yoga, meditation and even intense exercise. In this post, I’ll examine what constitutes “tantra” and how to go about approaching it in a methodical, effective way.
What is tantric sex?
There are many different forms and variants of tantra in the world, but most of them agree on one thing: tantra is about perfecting certain techniques and methods designed to elevate the spirit and focus the mind. Another thing those schools of tantra would agree on is the fact that it’s not just about sex. Tantra is, in its purest sense, about altering the consciousness for attaining enlightenment. This enlightenment can then be applied to sex, along with any other part of your daily life.
Tantric sex, then, is more about retaining that same level of consciousness and enlightenment before, during and after the act. This heightened consciousness is almost akin to a form of meditation. It allows couples to deepen their intimacy, increase passion, communicate more effectively and, above all, take sex to the next level! So how do you tap into this wondrous spiritual practice? Read on for some handy pointers.
Ensure you’re fully invested in the moment
The keyword here is “present.” The fundamental building block of tantric sex, and indeed all forms of meditation, is for those who are practicing tantra to be fully present in the moment. You need to be completely present and aware of the now, not thinking about work the next day, nor thinking about a stain you just spotted on the sheet, or anything aside from your partner and you. Without this mantra guiding you and your lover, tantric sex will be next to impossible to achieve.
Most people fail to recognize this all-important requirement. During sex, those people find themselves off in a faraway place when they should really be staring into their lover’s eyes and maximizing the moment. Instead, they might close their eyes, picturing someone more physically attractive if they’re having trouble getting aroused. Or, perhaps (in the case of men) picturing something non-sexual in order to prevent premature ejaculation. Neither of these practices allow tantra to be achieved. In fact, in many ways, they completely undermine the sacred act of lovemaking.
By being entirely present in the moment, those people can reconnect with their partner, obtain higher levels of arousal, gain more enjoyment and tap into the energy that is so fundamental to tantric sex. There’s a concept that “energy goes where it flows.” This means if you’re thinking about something else during sex, all your energy is flowing away from your partner and the act of lovemaking. This, in turn, reduces the potential for both of you to attain enjoyment from the act. Get back in the moment and let that energy flow into all the right spots!
Focus on your breathing
Everything seems to be about breathing these days. What’s all the fuss about? Obviously, we’re breathing 24/7 anyway… it’s necessary to our existence! But where the real difference comes in is with regards to consciousness.
Because oxygen is so vital to our existence, our bodies perform this task subconsciously. No direct thought is needed in order for our lungs to expel carbon dioxide and inhale oxygen, thereby distributing it into our bloodstream and feeding every cell in our body. But it’s interesting that we give such little thought to this process, considering how fundamental it is to our well-being.
What if you were to consciously think about, and regulate, your breathing? Imagine being able to calm your emotions, focus your attention, increase your pleasure and extend your staying power (between the sheets) simply by directing your breathing to do your bidding.
Tantric teaching dictates that breathing enables energy to move — either within your body or between you and your intimate partner. Often during sex, when people start to get excited, they hold their breath. At the climax, or after they can hold their breath no longer, they let it out in one large gush. This stop-start method of breathing is said to stop the energy from moving, which in turn can degrade the experience. Keep your breathing deep, relaxed and regular.
Take time to chill
Speaking of “relaxed,” this is another thing which many people fail to achieve during intercourse. The need to please their partner can often lead to anxiety, which manifests in muscular tension. Like that stop-start breathing I talked about earlier, this unconscious — and unnecessary — muscular tension can impede the flow of energy that is so vital to achieving truly tantric sex.
This muscular tension can manifest in a multitude of ways. A lady might be lying back, enjoying the oral attentions of her lover, and yet her legs and feet are tensed up… even though they’re not in any way related to her partner’s attentions. Similarly, a man might be happily thrusting away, all the while tensing his body and squeezing his eyes shut. These are completely unnecessary actions which need to be consciously relaxed so as not to impede the flow of sexual pleasure.
As you enter into the act of lovemaking, do a mental scan of your body and check that all of your non-sexual body areas are relaxed. Sure, there should be some sexual tension in the loins, breasts and other saucy hotspots. But otherwise, most of your body should be completely at ease. If not, focus your attention on those areas to chill them out.
Pay close attention to little details
I’ve talked repeatedly about how important it is to maintain positive and constant energy flow during your tantric sex exploits. Now that you’ve harnessed your breathing and relaxed your muscles, it’s time to direct that accumulated energy and put it to work!
As stated, many tantric teachers believe that “energy flows where attention goes.” To approach this literally, those elements that you focus your attention on will be receiving all that positive, electric energy. It sounds a little woo-woo, but it makes a lot of sense when you think about it. If you’ve ever taken tennis lessons, you’ll have noticed that your instructor told you to point both your racquet and your eyes in the direction you want the ball to go when you hit it. The same applies to any number of sports.
The same also applies to sex! Pay attention to where you want your energy to move. If you want a spectacular, explosive orgasm, pay attention to how those convulsions rack your body and how different parts of your body respond to the climax. Kind of like savoring a delicious piece of cake. Close your eyes, chewing slowly, teasing the tastes out with your tongue and deconstructing every delicious element of that piece.
Similarly, if you’re struggling to become aroused, focus your attention on how your partner’s hand is lightly caressing your nether regions, or the feeling of their warm breath on your thigh, or any number of small but intimate details. It’s those tiny physical elements that can be delectably sensual and make the difference between tantric sex and mundane sex.
Don’t be afraid to make a sound
Many people make the mistake of bringing their self-consciousness into the bedroom. One of the ways in which this manifests is via sound or lack thereof. These people are too scared to make a sound during sex out of fear that they might embarrass themselves. That’s not the way tantric sex works. It’s all about expressing yourself. And one of the ways in which that occurs is by audibly expressing your pleasure!
Within reason, the more noise you make, the greater your pleasure. Expressing those sounds as they pop into your mouth, such as when a lover hits the sweet spot, can amplify their pleasure and enable your energy to flow.
The same applies to negative or unpleasant sensations during sex. If something isn’t sitting well with you, express it by making a sound. This not only helps to move that negative energy away from you, but also lets your partner know to try something else. Express your feelings through sound during sex and your experience will improve markedly.
Have you tried tantric sex? Was it everything it’s cracked up to be? Tell us your thoughts and experiences!
— Liivi Hess
